Archive of ‘Family’ category

Bedtime Tickles, Wiggles and Giggles

Last night was so much fun; I love bath time, I love my babies in jammies and I love story time.  Every night we have a strict routine: dinner, bath, (story time) bed.  Having structure in our life has made the transition to Kindergarten an easy process.

Last night we chose two of our favorite bedtime books by the same author: Boogie Monster and Tickle Monster by Josie Bissett.  Both books are perfect for getting those final “sillies” out just before bedtime.  Trust me, order these books and enjoy and cherish the moments that they will bring.

Boogie Monster Tickle Monster

 

 

 

 

 

 

They even have kits that you can buy along with the books that include Tickle Monster mitts and Boogie Monsters leggings!

Happy Mother’s Day!

I’m still away, teaching Lindy Hop in Minnesota at an event called Midwest Lindyfest.  Hubby hacked the blog on Friday and made my day.  Even though I love what I do it is very difficult to be away from my family but I know that the kids are in the best of hands.  Today they are with my parents and they are going to a fun Disney show.  I thought I’d take a minute before I start my day and say Happy Mother’s day to MY mom.

Thank you for teaching me what it means to be a mom.  You are hard working, thoughtful, generous and loving.  Thank you for being you and because of you, I am me.

 

Mothers day

 

Here are a couple of my favorite mom related past posts:

http://mamawantsalatte.com/why-babywearing-makes-me-a-better-mom/

http://mamawantsalatte.com/mommy-daughter-day-at-disneyland/

http://mamawantsalatte.com/my-miscarriage/

Here are a couple of my favorite Mommy bloggers:

http://www.sugaranddots.com

http://agirlintransit.com

 

 

Daddy wants a latte

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Nikki went on a trip to teach swing dancing in Minnesota, so I thought I’d take over her blog for the weekend since I’m home watching the kids and taking care of the house.

I put my dance studio business work on hold for five days and am enjoying the company of my kids.

I’m also doing a test tech post because I’m writing this whole blog using Siri/dictation on my iPhone using the WordPress app. So basically, that means I speak what I want to write into my phone and then do little edits on things that the dictation software messes up.

For example, I’m at the pool right now taking my four-year-old girl Anjali to a swimming lesson, while holding my eight-month-old boy Arjuna in my arms. He is quite the wrestler, so sometimes I have to put him down to do my edits, while keeping one eye on him, since he is on suicide watch.

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Yesterday, I had my first full day with the family. Nikki always suggests to our babysitters and to me when watching the kids, don’t stay home, go out into the world and do activities. So, following the advice, I met up with my sister-in-law and her three kids, and her mother-in-law, at the Irvine spectrum. I had a good time walking around looking like super dad.

In case I don’t have time to write more, since Anjali’s lesson is just about over, I wanted to say one interesting thing about the experience of being a family focused father. It’s amazing how my mindset changes when my sole responsibility in the whole world is to keep my kids happy and alive, learning and growing. Even though it’s so much work, it’s balanced out by so much joy.

Come home Mama, we all miss you.

My Baby Shower featured on On To Baby

Happy Birthday to me!

Vintage Circus themed baby shower invitation

Today my vintage circus themed baby shower is featured on the blog On To Baby!  My amazing photographer friend, Stephanie Albao, from Intuitive Images Photography took all the beautiful pictures; as well as helped in the planning.

Thank you again to Stephanie, Evonne, and Claire for the most incredible baby shower EVER!  Seriously: live performances by guests, a mens cartwheel contest, a weight lifting contest, carnival games, etc.  Details, details, details.  Check it out!

Vintage Circus Themed Baby Shower

Happy Earth Day!

We celebrated Earth Day a day early by spending the day outside.  We planted some flowers, played with colored bubbles and created kids’ art on canvas. What will you do to celebrate Earth Day today?

Baby Planting Flowers Gardening Gloves Bubblesandcanvas Anjaliandbrush Pretty Paint Kids' Art Final Product

Happy Earth Day!

Why Babywearing Makes Me a Better Mom

BabyWearingShadow I’m not sure how I managed everyday life when my daughter was an infant; four years ago. I remember feeling so much anxiety all of the time; most of which came with being a first time mom. We never left the house without a pacifier. If she so much as whimpered in a restaurant my husband or I would quickly usher her out. My arms would ache from carrying her in the infant car seat.

Lucky for me, several friends became involved in the Babywearing community before my son was born 4 years later. I did own a Baby Bjorn when Anjali was a baby but I swear I only wore it about two times… front facing. Man, if I knew then what I know now! What is Babywearing, you ask? Babywearing is carrying your baby in a cloth carrier around your body that simulates holding your baby in your arms.

Babywearing makes me feel like a Super Mom. Here’s why, in no particular order:

  1. Two words: hands free. I can wear the baby either on the front of my body, the back, or on my hip leaving my hands free to hold my daughter and husbands hands at the same time. Not to mention: carry groceries, cook dinner, sip a latte… Whatever.  Babywearing gives me the confidence to accomplish things that would otherwise seem daunting.
  2. Baby HATES being in the infant car seat or stroller. I have a car screamer and my daughter was the same way. With Anjali, if she was fussy, I would have to carry her and push the stroller along. We would also transport the infant car seat from place to place with her in it; which was really heavy! Babywearing allows me to skip the stroller option altogether. Just grab the baby from the car and go! Happy baby, happy mama.Babywearing at the zoo
  3. Nursing on the go! Gone are the days of sitting in the “Mother’s Lounge” at the mall to feed the baby. Nowadays, I just scoot the baby down, whip out a boob, and he suckles while I go about my business. No hooter hiders with this baby; babywearing makes breastfeeding more discreet than ever!
  4. Oh so kissable. At anytime I can kiss my baby on the forehead or inhale that intoxicating new baby smell; he’s right there happily cuddling with mama. Having the baby so close allows me to feel in tune with his needs while attending to my older child.
  5. Weight training via baby. As my baby grows I am increasing my weight training! I wear Arjuna probably about 2 hours a day. That’s 2 hours of walking while carrying an extra 17 lbs. I’m not saying that I have a beach babe body by babywearing but the weight is melting off, so it must help a little.
  6. Babywearing daddies are super hot. It’s true, but how does this make me a better mom? I cannot express the amount of love I feel seeing my husband wear Arjuna. It gives me piece of mind knowing that Daddy has the ability to comfort and bond with the baby… without a boob.Sheshababywearing
  7. The kid doesn’t cry. I literally have the happiest baby ever (besides the carseat). I believe this is because Arjuna has to hang out and go with the flow while in a carrier. He also has no reason to cry because his needs are being met. Again, happy baby, happy mama.
  8. “Sleepy Dust”.  All baby carriers come with magical baby “sleepy dust” which helps them feel safe and secure.  Worn babies are comforted by the thud of the wearers heartbeat and the walking motion, that simulates being in the womb.  Even if Arjuna has recently taken a nap, if I put him in a carrier or wrap he is asleep in no time!
  9. Community support. There is a babywearing community full of mamas sharing information on all things parenting. I have turned to this group several times to ask for, as well as offer, advice unrelated to baby wearing. This group also hosts play dates where the members teach each other various ways to wrap and carry babies.
  10. The Advanced Track. Arjuna is 7 months old and is crawling, standing, trying to walk and talking (Dada, Baba, and Da for Doggie). Our daughter developed quickly too but this guy is incredible! While in a carrier, the baby is inches from my face, which means constant interaction. If he was in a stroller all the time, he wouldn’t be learning as much.

Babywearers are  in a sort of secret club that has it’s own secret language and underground trading system. It can all be quite confusing at first but there is lots of information online to help with breaking the code. After I had my son, my sister-in-law, Evonne, broke it all down for me. I thought that I would have ended up owning two different types of carriers, and that would be it….  but I’ve got a nice stash now. Nothing compared to the hardcore babywearers that I know.

My stash includes: 1 Maya Wrap Ring Sling (RS), 1 Girasol Wrap Conversion Ring Sling (WCRS), 1 Natibaby Dinos Wrap size 5, 1 BabyWearingMemeGirasol Dark Rainbow size 6 (which is currently missing, somehow), 1 Kokadi Glamour Stars size 5 (my favorite!), 1 Wrap Conversion Mei Tai (WCMT – hand made for me by Evonne at NarNar Baby), 1 Angel Pack Wrap Conversion Full Buckle Carrier (FB), and finally the Daddy pack, a Camo Boba 3G.

My name is Nikki and I have an addiction… Honestly though; each carrier serves a specific purpose. Can you get by with just one carrier? Yes. Amazingly enough these things get better and softer the more you use them AND they hold their value!

For more info on Babywearing checkout these resources:

PAXbaby

The Cloth Mama

Babywearing International

The Baby Wearer

Attachment Parenting

 

 

 

Sweet Dreams and Pretty Things

My kid’s room is my favorite room in my 100 year old house.  It features my favorite color, teal, and the entire room was inspired by my daughters headboard; which we found at an antique store in Old Towne Orange.  Enjoy the tour!

Teal and Brown Shared Kids Room

There are few things in life better than watching my kids play together but I do like a good deal.  Almost all of the items used to decorate this kids’ room were either really cheap or on sale.  The curtains are from Target, the rug and hanging chalkboard birds are from World Market and the chair is from Home Goods.

Mixed and Match Frames

This is Anjali’s side which is dolphin themed; Anjali loves her dolphins.  The dog picture is a random Target find that looks exactly like our dog, Minnie. To the left of Minnie is a painting from Disneyland where the A is made up of Ariel, seaweed and a sunset.  The four frames on the bottom right are actually one frame that I found at Michaels and they are filled with Anjali’s swimming pictures.  The bottom left is a canvas print that my husband created and ordered using an iPhone app called Zazzle.

Jenny Lind Painted Crib

I LOVE this crib!  I ordered this Jenny Lind crib on Amazon for about $175 in white. My brother and I sanded and painted it ourselves.  I also had a Jenny Lind crib when I was a baby; they have been the same style since the early 1900s.  The crib sheet, blanket and changing pad are from The Land of Nod.

Painted Chandelier

I really wanted a chandelier in the kids room (and in my closet). I found this gem at Home Depot on sale for $40. I primed it with spray primer and hand painted everything but the crystals with the same paint as the crib.

Painted Vintage Headboard

Above is the headboard that inspired it all. Anjali picked out the wall decals on Etsy and she helped me place them on the walls. The bedside table was a bargain from ROSS about five years ago.

DIY Stand up bookshelves

This picture should be called “Pinned it, Tried it”.  I saw this idea on Pinterest when I was searching for book shelve inspiration. These are Ikea spice racks that I primed and painted to match: the headboard, crib, and chandelier. They are fantastic and I’m actually planning on adding more. Two kids = lots of books.  The best part?  These spice racks are only $3.99 at Ikea! The toy chest/bench is also from Ikea.

Tree Wall Decal

Another “Pinned it, Tried it” idea was this tree wall decal from Etsy.  There are lots of different styles and they are super easy to use, but the shelves were a different story. Don’t buy the Target shelves because they have very little support and they will fall off the wall.  Home Depot has the best shelves.  The changing table/dresser is another Old Towne Orange find; Shabby Chic.

The paint that I used for everything is called Peacock Blue and is available at Benjamin Moore.

Mommy Daughter Day at Disneyland

Nikki and Anjali at Disneyland

Lately, I’ve been feeling older (31 in April) and it seems that time is going by so fast! I find myself wanting to savor the time that I’m spending with my kids and really pay attention to the little things. After Arjuna was born, Anjali had a difficult time adjusting. She adores her little brother but it’s definitely difficult for her to control her emotions. Today, we had our 2nd Mommy Daughter Day at Disneyland; she loved it and I loved it even more.

Anjali and the Map

First stop: autograph book; then off to find some princesses.

Anjali Autograph Book

We made our way to the new Princess Fantasy Faire to catch the end of a Repunzel show and meet Aurora, Ariel and Cinderella. The Fantasy Faire has taken over what was once Carnation Plaza. Carnation Plaza holds a special place in many Southern California Swing dancers hearts for the dancing that took place there, every weekend, since the 1950′s. Shesha and I both had our first Swing Dance experience there; but not together.

Princess Fantasy Faire

Walt Disney dancing at the original Carnation Plaza.

Walt and Lillian Disney dancing at Carnation Plaza

Anjali was feeling a bit afraid of rides today so we decided to explore places that we had never been. We did a quick tour of the pirate ship and hopped off before the ride began. She spotted Pirate Island and was too excited to wait for the end of the ride.

Anjali Pirate Island Bridge

Pirate Island was right up her alley: bridges, caves, a tree house, but when she saw the skulls it was time to go. Before switching over to California Adventure we stopped for pretzels and dancing with the Ragtime pianist.

Dancing Anjali Ragtime

Mickey Mouse Pretzel

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We had a great day. Anjali is such a cool kid. If you have more than one child I highly recommend Mommy and Me dates.

Disneyland Suckers

If you ask, Disney employees will even give you a button that says, “I’m Celebrating Mommy and Me!”

Celebrating Mommy and Me Disneyland

Photo Shoot with Ju-Ju-Be

Tokidoki Ju-Ju-Be BFF

Thanks to an OC Moms drawing on facebook I was the lucky winner of a Ju-Ju-Be Designer Diaper Bag giveaway and photo shoot for their new Spring/Summer catalogue. OC Moms is the parenting section of the Orange County Register and they post lots of fun things on Facebook; including random drawings for prizes! . Needless to say I was very excited to receive a new Ju-Ju-Be bag and pictures with my kiddos! We modeled their new top secret design and it’s so cute! Hubby even modeled a bag while holding a baby and doing hat tricks. I cant wait to share the catalogue.

I have been carrying the BFF and it is the perfect diaper bag. If you are in the market for a diaper bag I highly recommend the BFF! The patterns are beautiful, the changing pad is memory foam, and the entire bag is machine washable.  Check out these pictures.  I have this pattern but they come in many beautiful patterns.

Ju-Ju-Be BFF Inside Ju-Ju-Be BFF BackJu-Ju-Be BFF Front

The bag that I won is the BeHip messenger style diaper bag. This bag is much bigger than I thought it would be and I’m planning to use it for a computer bag. If you need a diaper bag on the cheap; this bag is on sale for $40!

Ju Ju Be BeHip Messenger Diaper Bag+in+Lotus+Lullaby

And, finally, I left today with an awesome, super good quality, and functional backpack; the Be Right Back. Every mom needs a backpack for those trips to the park or Disneyland!

Ju Ju Be BeRightBack Inside Ju Ju Be BeRightBack Back Ju Ju Be BeRightBack Front

Thank you Rochelle for a great opportunity for me and the kids. We can’t wait to see the pictures!

My Miscarriage

Baby Ellington at 10 weeks. The day we heard her heartbeat.

Baby Ellington at 10 weeks. The day we heard her heartbeat.

It has taken me a long time to write this story. I wanted to make sure it came from a place of love and happiness, rather than fear and sadness. On September 22nd 2011, I became a part of the ten percent of women who have a miscarriage after hearing and seeing a healthy baby’s heartbeat. We know that miscarriage is a possibility when we conceive. We are taught to be fearful that we could lose the baby for the first three months of pregnancy. We want the world to know, but we are told to wait. But… I wasn’t afraid. I had been pregnant before. I knew what to do, and my daughter Anjali was as healthy as could be. Miscarriage wasn’t something that would happen to me; it’s something that happens to other people, but not to me.

We were on a family vacation: first stopping in San Francisco to visit friends; then, on to Lake Tahoe to meet my parents. I was so excited to share Lake Tahoe with my husband Shesha and my daughter Anjali who was three years old at the time. I was feeling so happy and confident in my pregnancy. I had just competed and won at the National Jitterbug Championships while keeping my secret. I had also just traveled to Herrang, Sweden to teach at the most famous Swing Dance camp in the world. I was happier than I had ever been in my life.

I began having menstral-style cramps when we were in San Fransisco but ignored them. By the time we got to Tahoe, they were a bit worse but inconsistent. They came and went throughout the day, and I didn’t think anything of them until I began spotting. There was very little blood, and it was dark (which supposedly meant old blood); so at first, I wasn’t concerned. I called my midwife and left a message thinking that if she felt it was urgent, she would call me.

On our first full day in Tahoe, we did a ten mile easy bike ride that I had done before as a kid. It wasn’t strenuous at all. I remember thinking as we rode that Baby Marvin number two would also do this ride with us someday. After our bike ride, we hiked down to the famous Viking House, a simple two mile hike total down and up. Anjali was a trooper even though Papa, my dad, had to carry her most of the way. The spotting and cramps continued.

The next day, we took a boat tour of the lake. It was beautiful, but by this point I was getting very nervous. I felt like part of me knew what was happening, but I was trying to stay positive. The cramps became increasingly worse, as did the spotting. I remember telling Shesha, on the boat, that maybe we should prepare ourselves for the worst. I didn’t know at the time, but he was scared too. He calmed me and told me everything would be fine. That night, the cramps were difficult to ignore. I went to sleep thinking that I just needed rest because I had overworked myself and I would feel better in the morning.

That Night.

I woke up around 1:00 am, and everyone else was asleep. The cramps were unbearable. I used the restroom, and there was more blood but still dark and only a little. I called the Kaiser advice line, and they told me to lay on my left side and call back in an hour. I woke Shesha up and told him the plan. He went back to sleep, and I waited for the cramps to go away; they didn’t. At 2:30 am, I used the restroom again. This time there was more blood; and it was bright red, so I called Kaiser again. Each phone call to get to the nurse was about a thirty minute process. They asked me the same set of questions each time. Finally, the nurse told me to go to the nearest Kaiser, but the nearest Kaiser was over two hours away. I woke Shesha up again and this time, told him to take me to the ER.

We arrived in the tiny Tahoe ER around 4:00 am. It wasn’t until they were checking my blood pressure that I realized these weren’t cramps; they were contractions. I grabbed Shesha and told him. At this point, I had a small hope that maybe this was just some form of preterm labor, and maybe they would give me a shot or medication to make the contractions stop.

The doctor came in and ordered fluids to slow down the contractions and pain medication to make me more comfortable. He did a pelvic exam and gave me more hope; he told me that my cervix was still closed, which was a good thing. The next step was the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech came in and wheeled my bed to a dark room. She wasn’t going to let Shesha come with me, but he did after she told him, “As long as you don’t ask questions… the dads always ask too many questions.”

The tech began the ultrasound but didn’t say a word. She turned the screen to where she thought we couldn’t see, but we could. We knew what we were looking for. She wheeled us back in our room in silence, and Shesha and I were alone. We both knew that we didn’t see a heartbeat. That’s when the tears began. The doctor came in to explain what he saw. He told us that even though I was supposed to be 13 weeks pregnant, the “fetus” only measured 10 weeks. He was very nice but always medical. He refused to say the word “baby,” using “fetus” instead; it was making me angry. He left us alone again, and I cried… devastated and shocked. What were we going to tell Anjali about the baby? She was convinced it was a girl, and so were we. We even had a name picked out, Ellington.

We didn’t know what to do next. The doctor said he was going to let us go. He said there would be some pain and bleeding. He thought it would be a good idea for us to go back to the hotel, pack and drive home right away. He really had no idea what to tell us. He didn’t prepare us for what was about to happen, in any way; it seemed as though he looked up “miscarriage” on WebMD. We wanted things to be as normal as possible for Anjali, so we decided to stay in Tahoe another day. We stopped at the drug store and picked up my prescription for percoset (pain medication) and went back to the hotel to see my parents and Anjali.

I cried on my mom’s shoulder and told her that I thought the baby was a girl and that we were going to name her Ellington; that made her cry harder. Shesha sat down and explained to Anjali what had happened. We all pulled ourselves together and decided to go to breakfast. At breakfast I tried to eat, but I was dizzy from the medication and didn’t have much of an appetite. The contractions were still coming, and they were getting more painful. I popped another percocet while at the restaurant. We went back to the hotel, and my parents decided to take Anjali on a catamaran ride so Shesha and I could rest.

By the time we got back to the hotel and I climbed into bed, the pain was almost unbearable; I took another percoset. I tried to sleep but within minutes, I was rushing to the restroom. I sat down on the toilet, and blood and tissue poured out of me. I was crying uncontrollably. Shesha came in to help and saw the incredible amount of blood. I was beside myself. In shock. No one told me this would happen! No one told me that I was going to go into labor! I guess I should have known, but I didn’t. There was blood everywhere. I remember at one point trying to clean blood off of the floor on my hands and knees through my tears as the contractions continued. I was in labor, and it was terrifying. Shesha and I were alone, and we were not expecting this. I spent the better part of two hours going back and forth from the bedroom to the bathroom. This scene haunted me for months, and it still does. I understand that when faced with a miscarriage, some women opt to have a natural experience instead of a D&C; I wish I had had the option. I may have still chosen a natural miscarriage, had I known what to expect. For something so “common,” most women really know nothing about the process of a miscarriage. I know that this is graphic, and gross, and sad, and that many women choose not to share what they have experienced; but I wish that someone would have told me what to expect.

After the initial loss, Shesha and I recollected each other on the bed and sobbed together…loud and painful. Our future forever changed. All of the hopes and dreams of baby Ellington, gone. She was real to us, our baby to be. I am thankful now that all of this happened in a hotel far away from home. I never have to see that room again. My mom had to explain to the hotel staff why the sheets and towels were all ruined. I was ashamed and could not look the hotel employees in the eye. I just wanted to go home.

We left early the next morning. Contractions were still coming pretty regularly, and I was still bleeding quite a bit. About an hour or so into the drive, we stopped for gas. When I came back from the restroom, I was in tears again. I remember Anjali asking Shesha at the gas station, “Why is mommy so sad?” I held her and cried before we got back on the road. A couple more hours passed, and it was time for lunch. We stopped at a truck stop; and this time when I went into the restroom, there was a full length mirror. I stood in front of the mirror and stared at myself. My baby bump was already gone.

The drive from Lake Tahoe to Orange County was the longest drive of my life. I was dizzy and nauseous from the percocet and couldn’t even lift my head. I’m sad that a place that holds so many wonderful childhood memories for me and my family is now forever tainted; I don’t know if I can ever go back. What if we had listened to the ER doctor and drove home after we left the hospital? I would have gone into labor in the car or at a rest stop. I can’t even imagine how horrific that would have been. Again, I wish someone would have told me what was going to happen. We hear over and over again how “common” miscarriage is: 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. Then why don’t we know what to expect?

That night after returning home, just before bed, I began contracting, bleeding, and losing large pieces of tissue again. We were concerned because we thought that the worst was over. Shesha called his brother to come watch Anjali, and we went back to the ER; but this time at the Lakeview Kaiser near our home. Upon check-in at the hospital, we had to tell the same painful story over and over again to the receptionist, the nurses and finally the doctor. He did a pelvic exam; and this time, my cervix was wide open. He pulled tissue out of me for a good 20 minutes, prescribed some more percoset, and then, we were on our way. It was all just part of the process. I never heard of a D&C (Dilation and Curettage) until later.

The next day, was a friend’s wedding. I debated going and decided that I wanted to be around my friends for the support; we needed the support. I made it through the wedding in a percocet haze. I wanted to tell everyone what I had gone through not just for myself, but for them. The next evening, I invited my girlfriends over my house to talk. I was surprised to find that all but one had no idea what happened in the event of a miscarriage.

We are taught many things when we are pregnant, but we are not educated on the process of a miscarriage. I did not know about a D&C or in my case a “natural miscarriage.” I was pretty open on Facebook about the trauma that I experienced, and I was touched by the amount of messages that I received from friends and acquaintances all over the world who had similar experiences. I wanted to write this story to let people, not just women, know that miscarriage is okay to talk about. There is no reason to be ashamed, and it’s okay to be devastated.

Guilt. Even though everyone told me, “It’s not your fault,” or “There is nothing that you could have done,” I couldn’t help but hold myself responsible. Maybe I shouldn’t have danced so hard. Maybe I shouldn’t have flown across the world. Maybe I had too much caffeine… The guilt was incredible. We will never know why I had a miscarriage. My mom went through the same thing with her second pregnancy; maybe it’s hereditary. Who knows.

Desperation. After the miscarriage, I was desperate to get pregnant again. I wanted so badly to get back on track, and I knew that it would take a couple of months for my body to get back to normal. I wasn’t fitting in my pre-pregnancy clothes, and I wasn’t losing the weight fast enough. If I wasn’t pregnant, I didn’t want to look pregnant. I was insecure, and I wanted to hide from the world.

Loneliness. Even though I was surrounded by loving and supportive friends and family, I felt incredibly alone. After the initial weeks passed, friends assumed I was fine; I put on a happy face, but I was an emotional wreck. I avoided going to dances because I didn’t want people to mention the miscarriage or ask about my pregnancy. For weeks, people would talk to me about my pregnancy, and I would have to tell them the news. At night, Shesha would fall asleep next to me, and I would lay there alone and cry myself to sleep. I. Was. A. Mess.

Depression. This really was the only time in my life that I was truly depressed. I was always on the verge of tears. I was planning and hosting a baby shower for my sister-in-law, and I had to avoid her. I didn’t want to see her growing belly. I didn’t want to see ultrasound pictures of her twins. Also, several of my friends became pregnant around this time, and I pretended I was happy for them; but I wasn’t. I was jealous that I was no longer in the club. Grief is a process, and I had to feel all of these things to move forward.

People would often tell me that I would feel better when I became pregnant again. I couldn’t expect them to understand how that comment hurt. To us, Ellington was a real baby that we were planning on holding, loving, and raising. She was to be a little sister to Anjali. We didn’t want to replace her with another baby, we wanted her.

Finally, just before Christmas, I found out that I was pregnant again! I took a test on a whim and was surprised to see the positive result. When I brought the test to Shesha, I wasn’t sure if I was happy or terrified. I felt so broken that I didn’t want to go through it all again. I was comforted by the fact that all of these friends and family members came forward to tell me that they also had miscarriages and had gone on to raise beautiful families. We announced our pregnancy on Christmas day to my family.

This time, I was careful not to dance too hard, I avoided caffeine, and I didn’t carry my daughter. When I reached 12 weeks, I took a leap of faith and announced to the world that we were expecting again. For the first time in a long time, I was happy. The day that I turned 13 weeks pregnant I woke up to spotting. Immediately, my world started to spin again. How could this happen again at the exact same time? Luckily, we were able to see our midwife within a couple hours. She did a pelvic exam, and all was well. Next was the ultrasound, and I held my breath. There on the screen, was our little peanut doing somersaults. I was nervous for every ultrasound throughout the pregnancy.

March 21st 2012, Ellington’s due date came and went; and even though I shed a tear for my lost baby, I could confidently look to the future. I know that some people feel that miscarriage shouldn’t be discussed, but as I said before, that baby was real to me, as real as my other two kids. I wanted to share this story partly for myself, but mostly because I’m not ashamed of what I went through. In fact, I refuse to be.

If I had not lost Ellington I wouldn’t have my baby boy Arjuna, and I can’t imagine my world without him.

A few resources on miscarriage and support that I found helpful:

Natural Miscarriage

Dilation and Curettage (D&C)

Still Birthday

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, October 15th

Miscarriage Statistics

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